Each day, each moment, each second, we have a choice, either to be open or closed. I am recently experiencing that at a very deep level, we DO have a choice. I liked to think that our history is written down for the most part (as my tendency has been to fall into the victim role), but now I understand that it’s only half of it. We are responsible for the other half.
Since my beginning, I was always open. Open to experience, to feel, to absorb. This is how I am wired. As a kid, I would feel everything what people felt around me, I was a sponge. That caused some serious traumas… My mind would see something but my heart would feel something else. My whole system was confused!! I did not know how to process all of it. I got messed up. Big time!
Marina Abramovic says: “The worst childhood you have, the better artist you become, because you have things to work with.” And I would add, “only if you choose to work at these things”. There you go! There is your choice! Your opportunity to be open…I consciously worked at my stuff for a while. Being open has been my choice (or God’s choice for me?) and so many times I just wanted to curl up in a ball and close myself down. Oh boy! the pull was very strong sometimes, but I am not made this way. I realize now it’s impossible for me.
Being open means feeling a lot of pain, fear, anger, and the entire portfolio of emotions to human kind. Of course we prefer the ones that create pleasure, but the ones that come from dark places are our meaningful teachers. If we choose to. As Carl Jung says: ”The gold is in the dark. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious.” And that comes with a price. You have to pay the price with your own energy, time, and space. You have to be willing to go there and dive into the unconscious.
Once again, Marina Abramovic says: “I care about ideas I’m afraid of. I care about ideas that are terribly disturbing, that I say, ‘Oh my God, how I can do that?’ That’s the idea I want.” She is for me the prime example of courage and willingness to go to the darkest places. And from those places, she pulls out the light, the sacred, the healing…As she sat for 3 months opening her heart to the person in front of her, she was a healer, as she allowed other people to open their hearts to her and be transformed by the experience.
And it’s a choice. She paid the price with her energy, and her body, mind, and spirit. But what a beautiful gift she shared…the presence of her soul…
“But in solitude our heart can slowly take off its many protective devices and can grow so wide and deep that nothing human is strange to it”. Henri J.M. Nouwen, “Out of solitude”