(This is me at 3 years old)
When you think of an alien invasion (ha!ha!), how do you feel? what is your body telling you? what do your muscles do? how is your breath? how is your soul?
Back in February I wrote a post about freedom where I talked about my fears. In this post, I want to talk about my traumas.
Living in Romania under a communist regime has touched me in such deep ways that only now I am scratching the surface to understand how I felt as a kid…I am such a sensitive body and soul that I absorbed everything, every fear, anxiety, depression, anguish, despair that people felt around me, and I made them mine. (Being like a sponge is my blessing and my curse!). On the surface, my family had a great life, a nice apartment, a car, a housekeeper, and Coca Cola (once a year when my dad used to bring it). Every winter and summer, and every Sunday we used to go to my grandparents house in a village 40 km from Bucharest to play and relax, pick up apples from the trees, and play with the chickens.
On the surface, we had a good life! But deep inside, the terror was present. My parents were constantly afraid that they were being watched or listened to, they had to lie to us that communism was good and and they had to teach us poems about how good the president was…uff! terrible…I could feel all that conflicting energies, and I think it became quiet overwhelming for me. So I started creating my shield, my coping mechanism of contracting my body so that I feel safe, because my parents could not provide that feeling for me.
When we escaped Romania (which I will write in another post, promise), my terror became so intense that I closed myself in black box so that I feel safe. I kept inside every emotion that I felt, I could not talk, cry, or shout. I felt hopeless. And this is how trauma happens, when the body and mind are unable to cope with the situation and thus, everything is kept inside. The energy of despair/fear/anxiety is fixed inside the mind and body.
And this is how (unconsciously) my body, mind, and spirit have lived for more than 40 years: my sympathetic nervous system signals my body that there is a threat and I have to be alert, or in a flight or fight mode. Thus my chronic back ache…
So I hope there will not be another alien invasion anytime soon for me and even if there is, I will be able to cope with it! :))